Love through need

How does familial love develop? When it comes to mothers, we hear a lot about hormones. We also hear about fatherly pride. But is that really all there is? In my opinion, familial love (husband-wife, brother-sister, parent-child) develops as a result of an interconnected relationship: need and selfless giving.

It is never more evident than with a newborn how much a human being relies completely on the selflessness of another person and it is through that practice of selflessness that a bond develops.

 
I have a son who is four years old and a son who is three months old and I think that the familial bond continues to grow over time as my husband and I care for them. They provide us with a lot of joy in their smiles, their voices and their hugs but love grows even before a child can return the favor of care with a smile.

However, both sons have had needs even before they were born. For nine months a mother has already given of her energy, figure and comfort to a strange child before that child is born. For years after the child is born, he or she will have many needs that must be fulfilled by family members. Even when the child is grown and independent, parents and other family members are frequently still consulted for advice, comfort and entertainment.


This, I think, is why parents are so crazy-protective and loving of their children. How much greater need is there than a child who relies on your care for years? How many sacrifices do parents and older siblings give up in order to help that child grow? How proud we are as parents when we see our children grow and become more capable individuals.

Everyone needs to be needed and we should recognize that we need others. It is through interaction and selfless service to our family members that the strongest bonds of familial love develop and it also brings us greater lasting satisfaction than anything we can do for ourselves.

This doesn't refer simply to physical needs, but it also applies to emotional needs. Every person has emotional needs, including the feeling of validation; the idea that what we think or feel matters. That is one important role of spouse or parent. Your family members need your reassurance that feelings and thoughts are important and not to be summarily dismissed. This goes both ways.

Why do I keep saying family? Because I am speaking of an intimate need, one that refers to physical and emotional care. I don't think it would be healthy to apply this perspective universally. We have friends and we should help our friends in an appropriate manner when possible, but it is also possible to become too intimate with and too reliant on friends.

On the other hand, I have also frequently used the word "parents." I understand that not everyone who helps raise a child is a biological parent. "Parent" can simply refer to any guardian who is primarily responsible for taking care of the child.

To summarize: familial bonds grow as we need and care for one another. Familial bonds are intimate and special, to be treated as something special. Our relationships with our friends are, and should be, different and separate than our relationships with our family.