When our first son was born, my husband and I struggled with the idea of letting our child "cry it out." When he came home from the hospital, it was impossible for him to sleep at night. Looking back, I realize it may have been due to over-stimulation (too much noise and too many people) during the day, but whatever the reason, we ended up holding him much of the day and night simply so he would sleep.
There are some things that may come naturally to us, such as anger and the desire to hurt someone, which we must resist. However, there are other things (call it "instinct"), especially with parenting, that I think we do not give enough value. For example, consider the following list:
- Feeling apprehensive and a little sad as we drop our child off at school or with a babysitter
- Being unable to focus on anything around us when our child is crying
- Feeling pride and accomplishment as our child proudly shows off a new ability or piece of knowledge
- Wanting to hold and comfort our child when he or she is sad or hurt (i.e. distressed)
- The desire to brag about our child to others
- Feeling like no child can possibly be as good-looking/accomplished/well-behaved as our child
- Wanting to help our child achieve as much as possible
- The desire to smack anyone who hurts our child
- Feeling depressed and desiring to help when we hear about or witness another child who is suffering
We often hear (and even want) our children to "figure it out," or "learn to be independent." While independence certainly has its place, confidence and independence will come naturally as parents provide the support children need.
We also talk about independence when referring to women. Unfortunately, in today's society, "mother" is seen as no better than "servant," with the idea that those who can't do, have children. The role of "housewife" is a last resort and if you're a housewife, you must be unskilled; unable to achieve success in the professional world. At least, that is the perception.
As a side note, many women put off marriage as a result of this concept that school, work, professional success should come first. Once they decide they really do want to "chain" themselves with a spouse, they are of an age where it is often too late. They have lost a lot of their physical attraction, sometimes along with their ability and energy to bear and raise children. There is a great book on this idea called "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough," by Lori Gottlieb, I'd highly recommend; not only for single women, but for married women as well. As a married woman, you come to better appreciate who you married.
First, let me just say that children and a happy family can be more rewarding than anything else that you can do. I realize this blog is about independence outside of motherhood, and it is important to still be your own person with talents you can expand, but I also realize that nothing is as important to me as my family, including my children.
Secondly, I strongly believe that the feelings we experience with our children should not be taken lightly. There is a reason we (as mothers) cannot hear anything else when our children cry. There is a reason why we hesitate to leave them with someone outside of the family. There is a reason why we want to run to them and comfort them when they are distressed (though yes, sometimes we also want to go stark-raving mad). You know, like the whole idea of "I can complain about my children, but if you dare say anything negative about them, I will punch your lights out"?
That being said, I felt quite vindicated as I wrote a literature review for my psychology class on infant and toddler development on attachment theory. It became quite evident that a child needs a secure attachment to a parent in order to become a well-adjusted individual. To develop a secure attachment, it is important for a parent to be responsive to the child and not to ignore the child when he or she is distressed. So, without further ado, my next post will be a copy of the paper I submitted.
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