I recall three days of my life that were eventful and wonderful, but also caused me pain. The first was the day my brother was born and I was no longer an only child. The second was the day I got married. The third was the day our first son was born (yes, physical pain included). Each time I gained a new family member I couldn't (and wouldn't) want to imagine life without.
However, each time I also felt like part of my individuality was carved out of me as I gained the titles of sister, wife and mother. The fact that I could be seen as another person's appendage (Ryan's wife or Paul's mother) didn't bother me. What did bother me was that each relationship was brand new for me and I felt like my personal identity was getting lost in my new relationships.
Also, you know how, when a baby is born, admirers like to determine from which side of the family the child has inherited the most physical traits? Actually, I heard once that babies are born to look very similar to their fathers, in order to assuage any questions that the child is his, but how true that is, I don't know. Anyway, especially for my own children, I prefer not to engage in the speculation. I see each of my boys as a unique individual and I remind myself that it is okay if, unlike Paul, Martin decides to put things in his mouth when he gets older. On the other hand, while I hope for Paul's sake that he grows to a good height, I tell myself that it is not the end of the world if Martin surpasses him (which, at this rate, it looks like he very well might).
While I was growing up, I would get irritated when an adult would inform me I looked just like my mother. I would prefer to be told I looked a lot like my father, because at least my father and I are of different genders so it was guaranteed I couldn't be EXACTLY like him. I don't want to feel like I am a clone of another person. The next time you try to compliment a child on how he or she resembles a parent and you don't get an enthusiastic response, that could be why.
I also didn't appreciate being called a little girl. While physically true, it is a term that minimizes a person's importance. Children want to rush through childhood because they want to be treated as important as adults. Babies don't worry about it, because they don't understand. However, babies also receive a lot of attention and exclamations of praise for every little thing they do. That can be quite difficult for an older sibling who, not only doesn't get the same amount of attention, but is still treated in a disparaging manner.
Little girl, sister, wife, mother. These are all terms that do (or did) apply to me, without (I feel) really describing who I am. However, I also think that as we find things that interest us and develop our abilities within those areas, we can be proud of our personal accomplishments without feeling like our relationships dictate who we are.
As a side note, this is partly why I am opposed to cloning. We can duplicate genes, but we understand that both genetics and environment contribute to a personality. If you clone an individual where the clone has a different way of thinking, then you are forcing a person into a mold that doesn't fit. It also can decimate feelings of self-worth, because the clone would have no logical reason to believe that he or she is a unique individual. Yes, we have benefited greatly from magnificent people of the past, but give the upcoming generations a chance to share their own unique insights that can be as, if not more, beneficial than what we have already learned.
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